Massive trigger warnings for this book! I cannot overstate enough the MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING necessary for this book. From the very beginning, TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGERS WARNINGS!! Trigger warning for this review too, lets get into it.
My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell
- Category – Adult Dark Fiction
- Length – 373 Pages
- Read Time – 9 Days
- GR Rating – No Rating
I don’t even know where to begin with this review, I don’t know what to say or not say, how much to give away from the story, if I should not spoil anything but how could I even spoil this story? It’s just not that kind of story. This book is heavy, the subject matter is heavy, the details in the story are HEAVY. Trigger warnings for sexual abuse, rape, psychological abuse, pedophilia, mention of incest, mental health, parental trauma. As you can see above I didn’t even rate this book, I didn’t know how to, I still don’t know how to & it’s been a few days since I finished the book.
The central character in this story is Vanessa, the story being told from her pov. Vanessa is now an adult, in her early 30’s when the man who abused her as a teen is publicly ousted for abusing other girls & ultimately commits suicide rather than face the consequences of his depravity. Chapters alternate between past & present, as she recounts her time at Browick, the private affluent boarding high school she attended in Maine, what took place & how it’s affected her life since.
(I’ve been at this review for about an hour now…)
Vanessa see’s a therapist, has for some time, however not for the reason this book is about, it isn’t until shit hits the fan that Vanessa even really tells her she was sexually abused. Jacob Strane was a Literatures Professor at Browick when Vanessa, 15 years old at the time, was accepted to attend for her sophomore year. Being the predator that he is, Strane quickly recognizes vulnerabilities in young Vanessa he can exploit & abuse. Just as quickly he begins manipulating her & testing how far he’s able to push her. By the time she attends Browick, Strane had already been teaching for some years, who’s to say how many others there may have been before her. Ofcourse he tells Vanessa she was, is & will always be the one & only, tells her he’s never done something like this, never even considered it, she’s just that special, that powerful, that irresistible. This book is so well written to me, I recognized the manipulation tactics Strane was using so quickly, but also saw from her point of view as a young girl hungry for adoration & attention, how that could look like something good, maybe even like love. Especially when you’re not mentally, psychologically & emotionally developed enough to even truly comprehend what love is.
This book gets fairly graphic & goes to 100 early in, I’m talking 1st chapter early. Trigger warning from the very beginning. Vanessa recounts to us the 1st time Strane raped her, what she was feeling & thinking, she tells us about many other ways in which he caused her trauma, even when she herself doesn’t refer to herself as a victim or trauma survivor. The manipulation & abuse didn’t stop when she was a teen, it didn’t stop when she was humiliated further by the school & subsequently kicked out for her “obsession” with Strane. It didn’t even stop when he quite obviously began losing interest in her because she was getting older. It didn’t stop until he ended his life.
Vanessa ended up getting expelled from Browick after another student made a formal complaint to the school, seeing something suspicious transpire between Vanessa & Strane on a field trip & hearing the already circulating rumor of an “illicit affair” going around the student body. Strane being the predator that he is had already set up a paper trail, from the very beginning, signaling Vanessa as an obsessive, troubled young girl displaying questionable behaviors & himself as a responsible professional just trying protect him esteemed teaching reputation. As I mentioned above although Vanessa see’s a therapist, it’s not to talk about Strane, even after she’s aware of allegations from other students she continues to defend him & their “relationship” for years, telling herself that as he would tell her, she had & still has all the power. That she was the one who made their “relationship” happen.
There is so much in this book, so much to this book, the weight of the story not just in the subject matter but also in the details. In the intimate look at the inner monologue of the abused. This is such a powerful & important book, I would love to get a retelling from a healed Vanessa. In the end she begins coming to terms with what she experience as a teen at the hands of Strane, finally choosing to reveal the extent of it to her therapist. Up until that point we heard from the unhealed Vanessa, although already in her 30’s she was still mentally in that late teen’s headspace in many ways. For that reason I can understand why a lot of people feel this book romanticizes child sexual abuse, much of the story is recounted from young Vanessa’s mind. The mind of a girl who believed she was in love with an older man who saw in her something special & magnificent & loved her eternally for it. The mind of a young girl who was manipulated & abused by a nasty deprived man.
As powerful & important as I believe this book to be, I recommend it very cautiously. This book is not for the faint heart. Thank you for joining me for another review, if you’ve read this book I’d love to know your thoughts.
Hasta la próxima – V
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