Are we Romanticizing Toxic Relationships?

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Disclaimers: 

1- I AM NOT SAYING ‘ALL’, I don’t want to hear any not all men do xyz comments, I KNOW! I DIDN’T SAY ALL!

2- I know men are not the only ones who can be abusive in relationships, that’s a whole separate post that I’m working on!

3- THIS IS MY OPINION BASED ON HOW I TAKE WHAT I SEE!! You do not have to agree with me, it’s Ok to have differences in opinion & different life experiences.

4- There is so much more that I wanted to say but honestly it took me so long to even get my thoughts together for this post & I still felt like it’s kind of all over the place. I might expand on this at a later date (maybe).

 

To me it seems like women are being conditioned to expect & accept mistreatment, to expect & accept abuse in exchange for love. I want anyone reading this to understand when I say abuse I am not just talking about physical abuse. Abuse in relationships comes in many forms, & many people, male & female, are victims to abuse in relationships without even realizing it because it’s not leaving bruises. 

Just for context purposes I want to explain what basically made me write this entire post. A few months ago I came across a repost, on a “celebrity gossip” page on social media, from a male celebrity wishing his wife a happy birthday. In this post, which was a video of her receiving her beautiful gift, his caption was applauding her for being his “ride or die”, for not walking away from him through it all. He was saying she is a “real woman”, that they don’t make them like her anymore, saying she is the true queen of the household. Now I know that sounds great, how could a beautiful birthday post have led to this, well… allow me to elaborate. This male celebrity has been exposed for cheating on his wife multiple times, (& allegedly being physically abusive & controlling) thanks to the popularity of social media things like this end up being known by the world, we all witness the dramas unfold. He has never been apologetic about his many public infidelities, choosing instead to make lite of her embarrassment & explain it all away by saying he is a man. Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean! So while he was applauding his partner for not walking away from the relationship despite his “mistakes”, he was referring to his many infidelities, to his disrespect towards her & of their relationship. He was referring to the many woman he has put in a position to undermine & belittle his wife.

Which by the way, cheating is NOT a mistake, it’s an ACTIVE CHOICE but I’ll get back to that later.

After this 1st post that caught the attention of the cynic in me, I started to notice these types of posts more & more. Always from men who had disrespected their relationships by being emotionally, mentally &/or physically abusive to their partners. After a while instead of saying “here’s another one” every time I came across one of these posts I started saying, damn this looks a lot like a trend in our society. Even reading thru comments from other women on posts like these, it seems like disrespect & abuse in relationships has become normalized. It seems like we’re no longer shocked & outraged.

I do not personally know a single woman who has never been cheated on or abused emotionally, mentally &/or physically by a partner & that is heartbreaking. 

Why do women have to endure years of disrespect, years of abuse, years of being treated like we are less than in the relationship to finally receive the love, respect & loyalty we deserve. The love, respect & loyalty that in many of these relationships, we ourselves have been giving all along. Has the tolerance of disrespect, in any of it’s forms, become a prerequisite to a devoted commitment in love?

The expectation of infidelities in a relationship has become so normal that many women go into new relationships already preparing to have to deal with the 1st “mistake”. Often women are told things like “all men will make mistakes, you just have to find the one worth forgiving” or “what you won’t do for your man another woman will”.(Which is a way of putting the blame on the woman for being disrespected!) Women are told that we just have to wait for our men to “grow up” because we mature faster than they do. Women are given 100 lame excuses & expected to just accept. I know this is nothing new, I’m sure I am not the 1st woman to ever say this! Disrespect from men towards women has been excused for a very long time. When I was in 7th grade I remember being threatened with a suspension by the principal at my school because I punched a boy in the face for grabbing my ass in the hallway. I understand I was also in the wrong for hitting him, however my issue wasn’t that I was getting in trouble for what I did, my issue was that I was the only 1 of us getting in trouble. The principle of my school looked me dead in my face & told me that my reaction was unwarranted, told me that I was exaggerating the situation. Made a joke that “boys will be boys” & told me that maybe I shouldn’t wear tight jeans because they entice this type of behavior. Disgusting! There are so many more examples of this but I’d be writing a few pages worth if I listed them all.

 

Before I finish this I want to touch back on, cheating is a choice not a mistake. Every time I hear someone refer to cheating as a mistake I can’t help but roll my eyes. Cheating is an active choice! If the infidelity was a mistake it wouldn’t be done in secret. A glass slipping from your grasp is a mistake, you had no intention of letting it go but you inadvertently & without noticing did. Pursuing relations/a relationship outside of your already established relationship is not a mistake. You knowingly pursue another person with the intent of having an affair, hiding from & lying to your significant other. No one slips, trips & falls into a fucking affair!

 

& I already know there are men who will read this & become defensive. I know there are men who will read this & immediately begin rationalizing that the behaviors women are expected to endure are not that big of a deal. That’s fine, doesn’t bother me who disagrees, I SAID WHAT THE FUCK I SAID, & I stand by it! 

 

I write this as a woman who has been cheated on, a woman who was disrespected & belittled by the man she fell in love with. I was blamed for being disrespected, it was my fault I was being lied to. I was to blame for his infidelity & deceit. For a long time I believed that, I believed I somehow wasn’t good enough. I slowly lost myself by believing that, with every new disrespect & lie I became less & less Me, until the girl who fell in love was gone. It took me far too long to come to the realization that his infidelity was not a reflection of me. It was simply the choice he made at that time because it’s what he wanted to do, for himself. This was all it took to find myself again & become a better version of Me, for Me! HIS INFIDELITY WAS NOT A REFLECTION OF ME! Ultimately people will do what they want to do, when they want to do it, because they want to do it. However, that doesn’t make it Ok & that doesn’t mean we have to accept it!

We are unfortunately a society that has developed the acceptance of disrespect towards women in relationships. (& of course women cannot exhibit the same behaviors we are expected to accept *insert eye-roll*) Women are required to give 150%, while accepting 50% in return.

 

I would love to hear from all of you reading this, comment below… Let’s discuss..

For now, thanks for chatting with me – V♥

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