How do you find your way when you’re not actually sure you’re lost?
How do you know you’re lost?
& if you can see yourself, hear yourself, if you know that you are physically here, how can you be lost?
It’s not the 1st time I’ve asked these questions, not the 1st time I haven’t felt like myself. Not the 1st time I’ve felt like the energy was being drained from me, like my spirit was being taken. Sure I know this might sound dramatic but I also know I’M NOT ALONE IN THIS FEELING, & that’s why I’m choosing to write this. It’s strange to walk around in your own body & know that you are not you right now, & worst of all is knowing that you aren’t you right now but not having the slightest clue how to get back to you. I know when I’ve lost myself because I can’t think the way I used to, I don’t see colors the same way, my creativity is always the 1st to suffer when I disappear. My mind gets trapped within itself, I become unable to think all the way to Z, before I’ve even begun with A, like I normally would. I lose my focus & find myself focused on nothing, I lose my thoughts as quickly as they appear. I stop enjoying the things that I’ve always enjoyed.
It’s not the 1st time I’ve lost myself, I’m not sure how many times it’s happened before, I’m not sure how I’ve found my way back to me before, I’m not sure if those same methods would even work again if I could remember what they were. Does being lost always lead to growth? Why are my thoughts constantly all over the place? Is this what mental illness feels like?
The last time I can remember not being myself it took months for me to even come to terms with the fact that I was not me, it took months for me to accept that something was off. Something was wrong, something needed to be fixed. For me accepting that fact was the hardest part of that specific journey. Once I’d accepted that something was wrong I found my way back to myself & even found I could be a better me. Yes, it took some selfish soul searching, it took me being selfish with myself but it was worth it. It was worth it to be happy, it was worth it to wake up & not feel a cloud lingering around me. It was worth it to think freely without the fog confusing me. It was worth it to be ME again.
I keep thinking maybe if I just push myself to do the things I know I love to do, I’ll snap out of it. But how do you motivate yourself to do what you love when it no longer feels like it’s what you love to do, or even like to do. How do you push yourself to do what you love to do when it feels like you no longer love to do anything at all. It’s draining, mentally exhausting, frustrating.
How do you find your way back to you when you aren’t even given the time to look?
It’s difficult to be selfish when others expect, expect, expect from you. When you’re expected to be for someone else, expected to be who they want you to be. Trying to be what you’re expected to be is dangerous, trying to be who someone else expects you to be is a sure way to forget who you are. To lose yourself, to become unrecognizable to the person looking back at you in the mirror.
I’ve lost myself again, it’s not the 1st time I’ve lost myself. I remember the last time, I remember how I found my way back to me & I remember how beautiful that reunion with myself was.
I know no one can help me find myself again, for me personally these are just journeys I need to take alone but I also know the universe has placed people around me to share their positive energies with me. I know the universe continues to allow my mothers beautiful energy to guide me, to keep me centered.
Although there are only 2 of you, I am so grateful for each of your presences in my life. I’m so grateful that you allow me to just exist in the world, to just be here without any expectations, without any demands, without requiring any changes. Thank you for allowing me to be ME & choosing to exist next to me in the moments. The moments of drinking to numb it away, judgement free & high. The moments of staring at the sky in silence, willing the tears not to fall. The moments of endless laughter to ignore it all. Thank you for understanding that sometimes I just disappear but I’ll be back eventually. Thank you for being you & accepting me for me.
If you’re reading this & feeling lost, please know that you are not alone in that feeling. Know that you are not alone, know that you will find your way back to you! – V
I’ll be back soon… I’m trying..