Ok so the title may be a little “click-bait’ish”, hear me out though, let’s chat.
I don’t know if I’ve been in a depressive state, even if the way I’ve been feeling can be classified as depression I don’t know that I would call it that. This year has been a weird place for me, I’ve been a spectator to my own existence. Watching from the sidelines all of the ups and the frustrating downs. Living it one moment & blankly watching the next.
As a testament to this very blog entry, what I’m writing now is day 2 at my attempt to finish this post. Day 2, 2 full days after I first started writing. Let’s see how far we get today, btw it’s currently 2:44am because of course another thing that has been suffering with my “mood changes” has been my sleep pattern… Or lack thereof I should say. My creativity drained, my mind in 5 places at once, at all times, while simultaneously being nowhere. My usual motivation to accomplish & do more becomes a ball & chain weighing me down. While in the back of my mind my goals continue to demand my full & undivided attention. While in the back of my mind creativity flows but never quite makes it to the forefront of my thoughts, never really making it to action. Meanwhile I’m having more & more dreams filled with predictions & second looks at past moments, allowing me to gain a new perspective. I guess I can attribute any “new perspectives” on past events as part of my growth journey. I can say for certain that, how I feel about things has changed as I’ve gotten older, matured & gained life experience. Or maybe I’m spectating my memories as well, switching between having dreams & watching memories.
Here we go, another day, attempt 3 to reach some kind of sense & completion to this blog entry. At this point I’m not even sure if I remember where I was going with this when I started. I just know I’ve had lapses of myself thru-out this year, points in time where I know I wasn’t myself. I’ve done my googles, researched the many signs & symptoms of depression, the different types of depression. While yes, I can recognize that some of the signs & symptoms match, the reason I don’t call the way I’ve been feeling depression is because I know it’s brought on by ‘outside forces’. I’m able to recognize that the cause of my unhappiness is controllable. I’m able to recognize that my unhappiness stems from being miserable in my job, misery that leaves me feeling defeated every single time I clock-in. I had to come to the decision to put my mental well-being above a paycheck, which isn’t an easy decision to come to in this economy. However, I have to think long-term & long-term sacrificing a paycheck to protect my spirit is a no brainer. I know I won’t be able to advance & achieve the way I want to if my spirit is cloudy. I know I need to be myself to be able to LIVE my life. I came to the decision to leave the misery behind & while I will admit it took me more time than necessary to put that decision to action, I did it. Truth be told I felt a vail of fog lift the moment I clocked-out for the last time. Do I know for certain what will come in the following year, of course not. I do know I no longer feel defeated & while I don’t feel quite like myself just yet, I do know I’ll get there.
In closing I’ll say, now that this post has been completed it sort of feels like a continuation to Untitled:. Hopefully a completion because one thing I know for certain is I’m ready to get back to me, fully!
Until the next one… Thanks for chatting with me – V
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